"When heating engineer, Shirley Bassey
highlighted the dangers associated with
shearing wild goats in public lavatories, certain members of Her Majesty's press condemned her for bringing such concerns to the public arena.
After all, what would this weightlifting singer of Peruvian death chants know about clipping bearded ruminants, particularly in confined toilet spaces?
So vocal was the outcry against Bassey, who had a smash hit with the theme from the Bond film 'You Only Get Licensed To Finger Twice', she fled to the safe haven of her council flat in Barnsley.
Despite a long list of outstanding central heating jobs, she refused to venture outside until a number of demands were met, namely:
1 - Richard Littlejohn to deliver a platter of jellied eels as a token of apology from the poisoned hacks of Fleet Street.
2 - The Queen to change her name to Gordon.
3 - Drivers' airbags to be filled with laughing gas and burst on impact.
Sadly, Little Richardjohn was involved in a tragic toilet accident involving a Phillips Ladyshave and a Bulgarian Redbacked Fighting Goat and was never able to deliver the eely olive branch.
To the best of my knowledge, this kick-boxing cabaret artiste is still incarcerated in her home.
I think we can all learn from this cautionary tale."
Sir Parkie Snettlecrack MP.